Episode 2/17/09

Proudly presenting the episode from this Tuesday!

Full Episode (2/10/09)

Hey, guys! Proud to present the episode from last week!

I Got 99 Problems...

Ah yes, Valentine’s Day. The day that couples get to act super happy and in love, regardless of their true feelings, and those of us who are single get to feel bad about ourselves—or do we? Society tells me that I should curl up in the fetal position in a dark corner of my apartment and cry, but to society I loudly and proudly say “none for me, thanks.” As a single male, I believe all is not lost when it comes to Single Awareness Day.

Let’s consider the facts: Valentine’s Day is basically a “holiday” created for women. Guys, for the most part, couldn’t care less whether the day happens or not. We are required to care about the day when we have that special someone in our lives. Those not in a relationship are basically ostracized from society, and considered to be damaged goods or unwanted (don’t worry, it’s only for the day, we’ll be fine tomorrow). Given this intense pressure to be in a relationship, women will do anything to at least put on the façade of one. What does this mean for the Average Joe? A goldmine, that’s what.

In the hyper-hookup culture that is college, finding a mate on any given Friday or Saturday night is not necessarily a difficult feat. However, when a holiday such as Valentine’s Day is lurking just around the corner, this situation reaches critical mass and finding a woman for the evening can be just about as easy as shooting a proverbial fish in a barrel. Seriously, if you can’t pull it off on one of the nights leading up to V-Day, you may as well retire from the Game.

Don’t believe me? Let’s try a hypothetical, then. Single Girl hangs around her female Friends with Dates, all of whom incessantly talk about how great their Valentine’s Day is going to be. Talks of flowers, expensive dinners, intimate and meaningful conversation, lots of sex-having—all this for weeks and weeks leading up to the day. By the weekend of the holiday, Single Girl has decided that she, too, wants to find romance, if only to show Friends with Dates that she can run with the big dogs. Single Girl goes out, and makes herself very available to just about any guy within reason. This is where the Average Joe steps in.

The Average Joe can find Single Girl at the bar/house party/wine aisle and chat her up. Average Joe and Single Girl make meaningless conversation, perhaps about how “great” it is to be buying wine-for-one on this of all days. Single Girl will be flirty, and easily amused by even the lamest jokes. The door is open, all the Average Joe has to do is walk through it. The best plan of attack is to tell her you’ll “be at _____ party, and it would be fantastic if you came.” Single Girl will undoubtedly show up, and the Average Joe can seal the deal. As an aside, repeat this process 3-5 times, to hedge your bets in order to guarantee selection. No one should have to settle.

While there might not be expensive dinners, over-priced flowers, or meaningful conversation, there likely will be a lot of sex-having between Single Girl and the Average Joe. This does not, however, mean Single Girl has questionable morals; rather, on any other day or weekend it would require 2-4 dates before the sex-having commenced. The exception lies in the nature of the day which, let’s be honest, is getting some. If the end-game of Valentine’s Day is not to get laid, we have all been severely misled.


And remember, Lil' Wayne said it best: "Don't hate the game, hate the institution."


Your Average Joe,

Joe Degnan

Valentines Day!

Having problems with your love life? Now is the time to start thinking about the sexiest holiday Hallmark ever created! The Superbowl of those who eat, sleep and sweat sexy, would rather be naked that clothed and Turned On’s favorite holday… Valentines Day.

While some girls think of chocolates, flowers and cards for Cupid’s Holiday, others have sex on the mind. Being in college is a great thing… finally the ability to not have to sneak down in your parent’s basement and hope to get a handjob, if you’re lucky, before you hear her parents creep down the stairs to see if you “need something to drink”. Now the you’re in college you have the ultimate freedom to do whatever you wish in your bed with whomever you wish. But let’s take a step back before you start to put your towel on the door.

Nothing ruins the mood like dirty socks next to your bed (we don’t want to know what you are doing with your tube socks), homework displayed all over the room, dirty dishes with crusted macaroni and cheese and especially one little thing- your roommate.

Here are some useful tips to get your dorm room or bed room to be the most sensual, romantic, sexy or whatever you please for this upcoming Valentines Day! It's time to get creative. Start by fantasizing: What excites your sense of smell, touch, taste? What do you like to be able to see, or not see, when you're snuggling? Use your five senses and these 10 tips to make sure you have the most sexy V-Day ever without using candles and burning down South Quad.

1. Extra Pillows. The more the merrier! No true seductress expects her honey to sleep in discomfort, and imagine how you'll look lounging against a mountain of plush, comfy, oh-so-inviting cushions. Try different textures and fabrics for sensual surprises when it's too dark to see. Bed Bath and Beyond is great for some extra pillows that are cheap. Use the pillows under your woman’s hips for a new sensation and easier anal entry. Women will appreciate this and guys will look romantic.
2. Banish the Television. Better yet- hide the remote. Valentines Day is not for having Gossip Girl or SportsCenter in the background. Keep it quiet as possible so you can hear each other breathing and the dirty talk.
3. Adjustable Lighting. Candles are not permitted in the dorms and Turned On is not here to start fires, except for in your pants. Use a bedside lamp with a dimmer switch, or low-watt lighting behind a mysterious screen. Try a lampshade or paper lantern that's decorated to cast lovely shapes and shadows around the room. Another tip is to use flameless candles that you can get at CVS. These battery operated candles flicker just like candles and can even puff out nice scents.
4. The Best Sheets You Can Buy. What makes sleeping at a hotel so sexy? Hint: it's not the mint on the pillow. It's the soft, crisp, easy-to-slide-between sheets. The magic words for any temptress worth her tickle-feather are "thread count," and you're looking for nothing less than 250. Try to avoid silk sheets because you could end up like our sexpert Matt and slide right off the bed, scraping your back on your dresser.
5. Music. It's not the food of love for nothing. A successful love nest creates an ambience of passion and suspense, and music is a key part of that effect. The tunes you play in a love nest should be rhythmic, intriguing, and a little bit racy. Think Barry White or Middle Eastern doumbek. Music that's repetitive or too soft, combined with dim lighting and a cozy-looking bed, can run the risk of soothing the very senses you want to stimulate. So take risks with your music, and don't be afraid to turn up the volume! If Barry White bores you, try to turn up the volume, and the heat with some raunchy Lil Wayne, Nine Inch Nails, or Justin Timberlake.
6. Adventures for the eye. A well-chosen, striking, and prominently-placed bit of eye candy can spice up your bedroom faster than a truckload of oysters. Think bold, sexy colors and prints, like one wall painted your favorite dramatic shade, or anything leopard.
7. Reflect the romance. Mirrors can go a long way toward creating an inviting atmosphere, and no, you needn't hang one on your ceiling. This would be easy though if your beds are bunked or you have a loft. You can get a cheap mirror from Bed Bath and Beyond or even Target to place on the ceiling or on the wall next to your bed. Some flirty alternatives: a lamp in a beautiful color or a cluster of candles in front of your mirror can enhance romantic lighting, or a strategically-placed selection of small makeup mirrors throughout the room (on the table, near the flowers, on the bedposts) will add a sexy twinkle and some delightful surprises to the evening.
8. Organic Pleasures. Recreate some tropical abundance in your room with luscious plants and flowers and food! Beware of going overboard unless your guy gets a kick out of hacking his way through a jungle to you like Indiana Jones.
9. Something Billowy. Try to add a little motion to the emotion in your love nest, with a loosely-flowing nightgown, a floaty sheer curtain, or just your trusty ficus plant, reborn with a string of lights and swaying in a low breeze. And speaking of breeze, nothing gets sexy fabrics moving like a quiet fan on a low speed in the corner perhaps with a pot of delicious potpourri in front of it, to spread a warm scent.
10. Clear the Clutter. The following things are not welcome in any true Love Nest: pictures of mom, pictures of exes, electric bills, the television (it's worth repeating), laundry baskets, stray socks and inhibitions.

So use some, or all of these tips to make your Valentines Day the best! ☺

Stay Sexy Ann Arbor,
Your Sexpert… Samie

Ps: Thanks to ivillage.com for these great tips!

Turned On (2/3/09)

Proudly presenting the full Turned On episode from Tuesday, 2/3/09. Enjoy!

Turned On All The Time!

If you have sex questions throughout the week, Turned On is still your place to go! We are now online throughout the week on AOL Instant Messenger, screen name AskTurnedOn. Your own campus sexperts will be online sporadically throughout the week answering questions and giving advice! Also, every episode we will be online during every show, so ask questions and we will answer them on-air for you!

Tonight we will be talking about Homosexuality and sex along with general anal sex tips for beginners, both giving and receiving.

On that note, I wanted to list some campus sex resources for everyone to use.
First, UHS is one of the best places to go for sex help, serious health matters, free condoms and lube, plus anonymous HIV testing and information. It is located in Suite 2110, on the Second Floor of UHS (Right across from the Michigan League).

The Spectrum Center is also an excellent resource for LGBT members for help, resources and offers some anonymous HIV testing. Located on the 3rd floor of the Michigan Union, more information can be found at http://spectrumcenter.umich.edu/.

I don't want to spoil our episode tonight, so want to just give you a few funny myths/questions to think about:
Am I gay? Can you stop being gay? Why do all gay men have such a good sense of fashion? Why do all lesbians have short butch hair?

While a lot of these questions are debatable, we will touch on this topic on tonight shows and also explore the joys on gay sex and just anal sex in general!

Tune in an get ready to be Turned On!