Freshman Girls

What is it about a freshman girl that screams, “I’m ready to make mistakes”? Is it their utter lack of exposure to contraband and horny frat guys prior to entering college? Or could it simply be that no one gave them the advice they needed to hear before graduating the safe bubble of high school and starting the crazy college lifestyle?

College guys – mostly upperclassmen and potentially future cradle-robbers – often joke saying, “freshman girls: get ‘em while they’re still skinny”. While that is a) funny and b) tragically true in many cases, it can also be worded as, “freshman girls: get ‘em while they still don’t know better”.

These eighteen-year-old girls walk into college wide-eyed and ready for new experiences – and somewhere right around the corner, there is someone ready to take advantage. Now, don’t take that as an incentive to stay in every night playing Words with Friends, casually eating chicken fingers and fries at the Hideaway, and steadily gaining the freshman fifteen. College, especially in a cool city such as Ann Arbor, has an infinite number of opportunities for you to be social and expand your horizons; but when you go out, maybe to a bar (18 and up, of course) or a fraternity party, don’t be an idiot. You might wonder, “Hmm…am I an idiot? What the hell would make me an idiot?” An idiotic freshman girl is someone you cannot recognize until you are no longer a freshman. She often drinks in excess and feels that because she and some rando-dude have been talking for five minutes and are now best friends, it is okay to accept illegal drugs from them or go to their room (for whatever stupid line he drops – i.e. better quality alcohol, to hang out, or to show you something).

Another idiot move is dormcest. What is dormcest, you ask? Its ‘dorm’ and ‘incest’ combined, you idiot; it is what you call hooking up with someone (or multiple someone’s) who live in your dorm. In theory, it has a few big benefits: minimal walk-of-shame (a real plus when it starts to get cold out), you don’t even have to go out to hook up, and you never have to worry about not being able to brush your teeth. Nine times out of ten, however, it does not work. Fact: it can and will get awkward. For awhile, dormcest is fun but things start to go downhill when you want to bring somebody else back with you and you run into your dormcestual partner; be prepared for that inevitable tricky turn of events when starting a dormcest relationship.

Idiotic freshman girls can also be found making a scene in a public place and probably sitting on the dirty sidewalk; i.e. “OMG…[sobbing/yelling] we hooked up one time and he said he would call and now I just saw him making out with that chick over there! I thought we were gonna be, like, boyfriend/girlfriend! [sobbing and more yelling in a public place] He SAID he liked me!”

Making a scene in public is really never going to be to your benefit – unless you challenge someone to a dance-off and win or something. It is especially disadvantageous when you are making a scene about something embarrassing for you, such as rejection or falling down. If something embarrassing happens and you are not in a good state of mind, just go home. Additionally, most guys in college do not want to be your boyfriend, in fact, you really shouldn’t want most of them to be your boyfriend – be selective, ladies. The dating scene these days usually follows a pretty formulaic pattern: you hook-up and then there is either some sort of follow through or not. If there is no follow through after you meet somebody or hook-up with them, they likely don’t like you.

So, please, for the sake of everyone around you; don’t be an idiot.