I Got 99 Problems...

Ah yes, Valentine’s Day. The day that couples get to act super happy and in love, regardless of their true feelings, and those of us who are single get to feel bad about ourselves—or do we? Society tells me that I should curl up in the fetal position in a dark corner of my apartment and cry, but to society I loudly and proudly say “none for me, thanks.” As a single male, I believe all is not lost when it comes to Single Awareness Day.

Let’s consider the facts: Valentine’s Day is basically a “holiday” created for women. Guys, for the most part, couldn’t care less whether the day happens or not. We are required to care about the day when we have that special someone in our lives. Those not in a relationship are basically ostracized from society, and considered to be damaged goods or unwanted (don’t worry, it’s only for the day, we’ll be fine tomorrow). Given this intense pressure to be in a relationship, women will do anything to at least put on the façade of one. What does this mean for the Average Joe? A goldmine, that’s what.

In the hyper-hookup culture that is college, finding a mate on any given Friday or Saturday night is not necessarily a difficult feat. However, when a holiday such as Valentine’s Day is lurking just around the corner, this situation reaches critical mass and finding a woman for the evening can be just about as easy as shooting a proverbial fish in a barrel. Seriously, if you can’t pull it off on one of the nights leading up to V-Day, you may as well retire from the Game.

Don’t believe me? Let’s try a hypothetical, then. Single Girl hangs around her female Friends with Dates, all of whom incessantly talk about how great their Valentine’s Day is going to be. Talks of flowers, expensive dinners, intimate and meaningful conversation, lots of sex-having—all this for weeks and weeks leading up to the day. By the weekend of the holiday, Single Girl has decided that she, too, wants to find romance, if only to show Friends with Dates that she can run with the big dogs. Single Girl goes out, and makes herself very available to just about any guy within reason. This is where the Average Joe steps in.

The Average Joe can find Single Girl at the bar/house party/wine aisle and chat her up. Average Joe and Single Girl make meaningless conversation, perhaps about how “great” it is to be buying wine-for-one on this of all days. Single Girl will be flirty, and easily amused by even the lamest jokes. The door is open, all the Average Joe has to do is walk through it. The best plan of attack is to tell her you’ll “be at _____ party, and it would be fantastic if you came.” Single Girl will undoubtedly show up, and the Average Joe can seal the deal. As an aside, repeat this process 3-5 times, to hedge your bets in order to guarantee selection. No one should have to settle.

While there might not be expensive dinners, over-priced flowers, or meaningful conversation, there likely will be a lot of sex-having between Single Girl and the Average Joe. This does not, however, mean Single Girl has questionable morals; rather, on any other day or weekend it would require 2-4 dates before the sex-having commenced. The exception lies in the nature of the day which, let’s be honest, is getting some. If the end-game of Valentine’s Day is not to get laid, we have all been severely misled.


And remember, Lil' Wayne said it best: "Don't hate the game, hate the institution."


Your Average Joe,

Joe Degnan